Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
