im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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