Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
