I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
