i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
