This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
