billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
