Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
