the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
