I wish I could punch you in the face.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She told me I should be a condom model.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize