Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
