I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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