he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
