I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
