dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she pinky promised me she was 18
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
