Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
