Four minutes until I can fart!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
