my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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