When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize