I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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