I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
