this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Sext me about skeletons
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
