I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
