On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
