He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
