Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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