I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
