i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize