I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
