Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
