i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
