Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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