I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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