Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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