Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
