There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
