Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I love having hate sex.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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