Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
