I CAN MOONWALK!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Randomize
