i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
