i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
