dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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