so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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