I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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