She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
