I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
