Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
