yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
