Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
