I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i believe in u and ur pee
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
