I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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