3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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