I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
