Yo dont text me then not text me
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
