So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
