I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
