My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
