Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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